Things I wonder about.

Today I had coffee with a good friend and who also happens to be Zach's old preschool teacher. He and his wife came into our life just when Zach was getting sick. They also had a child named Jack who was ill, and also happened to have sorta the same disease that Zach was later diagnosed with. Actually Zach was diagnosed two weeks after their son Jack passed away, so I knew all too well what a horrible disease Zach was facing.

Jason and I get together every few months. At first it was hard for me, and I believe it was also hard for them because Zach was so much like their Jack, and for me I just felt horrible for them and didn't know what to say, and I also felt guilty that I still had Zach. I look back on it now and think that was stupid, but I had never been around anyone that has lost their child before, and it was raw emotion.

Unfortunatly Jason and Naomi are living my future, a world without their son. I know they continue to have a hard time with it as any parent would, but they also continue to open up there hearts to me and others. Jason talks very openly about his experience and is always reaching out. I would also like to think that us getting together also is his chance to talk about Jack and we can remember him too. As bittersweet as it's been, I can't help but think that God put them in my life. I mean really what are the chances that they have a son with almost the same disease as Zach was about to get diagnosed with and Jason turns out to be Zach's teacher. It was Jason first year teaching at this school and we had just moved to this city a few months prior. It's a rare disease. That has to be divine intervention, or I could be reading into it!!

A couple of weeks ago I asked a friend if she thought that a group of us would still hang out together after our kids were gone. We have been such a part of each other's world for a couple of years now, but I can honestly say they reason why we are all together is because of our kids. Our kids are in activities together, and that leads to us parents getting together. She answered by saying it depends if you want to stay in the disabled world or not. I have thought about that a ton and I hope that I won't turn my back on it, but I bet it would be hard. Jason, Zach's teacher didn't give up it persay, but he has a hard time teaching kids now, so he went into advocacy and parent teaching. But his wife continues to teach special ed. I think that would be so hard, but what a gift she has. There are not a lot of people that have had first hand experience with it, she is able to help others through her tragedy, but could you imagine the pain? I can only hopw that our story will turn into good somehow, that somehow I can make something right and make Zach's life a legacy.

There are so many bittersweet things that come out of a child with a disabilty. You really do have people come into your life that you would never of gotten to know that have become very good friends and you can't imagine your life without. You also can't imagine how incomplete your life was without your special child, and how at least for me how shallow my life was, and how selfish I was. Zach has taught me so much, I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today without this unfortunate circumstances, but then again are they really unfortunate? We grieve the fact that our perfect child has issues, but they really are still perfect to us. I love my little boy. Given the choice I really would do it all over again...